Triplemas at Bullerby

“Oh no, not another one!", groaned Bosse, the village headman of Bullerby, as he put the receiver back on the old-fashioned dial telephone. He sank his head into his hands. His elbows rested on his desk. All energy seemed to have been drained from of his body and mind. Would the madness never end? And now this Boris Johnson of all people! 

The run-up to Christmas was always a very busy time in the village of Bullerby, in central Sweden. Many years ago the author Astrid Lindgren had made not only Bullerby but especially its children famous around the world. Bosse had been one of them, along with his sister Lisa, their brother Lasse and a small group of others. They all lived in a timeless bucolic paradise of a Swedish village consisting of no more than three farmhouses. With people around the world longing for such a pastoral rural idyll there had always been lots of interest in Bullerby. This year, however, there had been even more inquiries from all over Europe, even from all over the world. Bullerby was in incredible demand. 

“Why does everyone believe that we, the good people of Bullerby, can live up to all their fantasies and make their dreams come true?!?” Bosse asked himself. “Do they think we’re bloody Santa and his idiotic elves?” 

Right now Bosse, who had grown up on the Middle Farm, between South Farm and North Farm, started to regret that he had not run away from Bullerby with Kerstin from the South Farm. Instead, he had married Inga from the North Farm. As a result, he had never left Bullerby. But he had become heartily sick of this annoyingly idyllic place he’d call his home for ever. 

Obviously, the rest of the world was not at all sick of Bullerby. No, they longed for such a place to adore and idealise in all too many ways. 

The Germans – as so often – were especially bad at overshooting the mark completely. Competing groups among them had an extraordinarily unrelenting longing for Bullerby in their strangely romantic ways. 

For this reason, Bosse had decided to launch a new marketing campaign for Christmas 2021. Instead of a simple “Christmas at Bullerby”, the village headman was going to offer an exclusive “Triplemas at Bullerby” package. The number three was particularly significant in Bullerby, with its three famous farmhouses. 

The main reason behind the Triplemas-idea, however, was that Bosse planned to keep the rival groups of visitors apart this way. After all, it was not only members of the Green Party in Germany who were said to be obsessed with the idea of their own idyllic Bullerby. On the exactly opposite end of the political spectrum, Right-wing politicians also had a fixation with Bullerby. 

In particular Björn Höcke, a rather dubious and notorious Right-wing politician, was an avowed Bullerby fan. Everyone wanted to claim Bullerby as their own. For all of them, Bullerby symbolized a romantic dream. 

Thus, Bosse, the village headman, had come up with the following stratagem: 

The Greens would get the South Farm, where they could install as many wind turbines as they managed to accommodate on the farm’s 35 acres. Production on the South Farm would be converted completely to sustainable organic production, conventional tractors would be banned, pesticides. too – naturally. In the long term, old-school beasts of burden would be reintroduced wherever it made sense. Brussels had already promised considerable funding to switch to oxen and donkeys. Almost needless to say that people on the South Farm were supposed to go vegan. A step that would certainly please the shepherds in their fields (and not only the oxen and donkeys). Sheep and lambs would be used primarily as organic-bio-degradable lawn mowers. Only rarely would they end up on the dining table. 

On the Middle Farm, things would on the whole continue as before. The children would go on sleigh-rides, they would bake Christmas biscuits and as always there would be harmless scuffles amongst the children.  Any halfway serious problem would be resolved in no time. However, one would even find the occasional smartphone under the Christmas tree, even at Bullerby. The Middle Farm had long since arrived in the 21st century. All of Bullerby had been connected to the Swedish fibre optic network last summer. Fairly soon even the 5G mobile network would be available in Bullerby and the surrounding fields and meadows. 

The North Farm, on the other hand, would be leased to Höcke and other Right-wing followers. For in an interview (in a Swiss newspaper) in November 2017, Höcke had declared that he had created his own imagined little Bullerby in Thuringia, where he lived in a small village. All he wanted for Christmas (but also beyond) was to take over the original. Only amongst his most faithful and trusted followers did he make references to the Second World War and the fact that Sweden – so far – had never been under German occupation. Obviously something that needed to change. 

Höcke's version of Bullerby was, of course, quite the opposite of what the Green Party had in mind with their renewable, eco-friendly, multi-cultural arcadia. On the North Farm, multiculturalism was out of the question. In this part of Bullerby you were going to meet only pale, Nordic types from now on. The only diverging skin colour would be an occasional reddish hue on cheeks and nose-tips, when children came home from skating on the frozen pond of the North Farm. For naturally, climate change was to be unheard of in or around the North Farm. The winters there were particularly frosty and things were just as they used to be in the olden times. 

In order to be clearly segregated from the Middle Farm, but especially from the South Farm, necessary precautions would be taken, at the latest by Christmas 2022. There were even some persistent rumours that Höcke and his Thuringian AfD comrades had bought up a few dismantled automatic self-firing guns from former GDR stocks (used along the old border between East and West Germany) in order to set up an anti-eco-Fascist protective wall in the bucolic Swedish countryside. In response to nagging investigative questions asked by the deeply detested leftist mainstream press, Höcke had, of course, repeatedly stated that no one had any intention of building a wall ... 

It was, however, not denied that there were plans for an entry ban on fully (or partially) vaccinated people on the North Farm. Never ever would there be any compulsory vaccination on the North Farm. In the event (unlikely as it seemed) the bravely unvaccinated people of the North Farm should fall seriously ill, there would certainly be enough free intensive care beds in the Middle and South Farms. 

Invitations to high-ranking politicians from Hungary and Belarus were also to be extended to celebrate Christmas with like-minded folk. Unfortunately, not all German Right-wing politicians agreed on that point. Some insisted that the Germans (perhaps intermingled with a few Swedes, some of whom admittedly looked more outstandingly Germanic than most Germans) should probably stay amongst themselves.  

Pippi Longstocking, her monkey and her horse would be made honorary citizens of the North Farm as soon as possible. Although there was no reliable information about her vaccination status, it was clear that Pippi had always lived in a world of her own, just as she liked it, never doing what authorities told her to do. With her anti-mainstream, alternative maths (her very own times tables produced different results such as: two times three is nine), she had  always been a pioneer and role-model for those who had lost their trust in science. Oh no, Pippi did not simply subscribe to the dull, dumb, uninformed opinion of the majority/mainstream. You weren’t the strongest girl in the world for nothing! Diddle diddle dee. 

Thus, Bosse had quite a lot on his plate in order to turn his idea of Triplemas at Bullerby into a success. But things were already taking a turn for the worse. 

Even before Boris Johnson's call, there had been a somewhat unsettling video conference with Chinese investors. They wanted to buy up the whole of central Sweden, had idiosyncratic plans on how to handle freedom of speech, and – last but not least – their idea of Bullerby was to be on a much, much grander scale. Three little farms would never suffice for well over a billion Chinese people and their dreams of a good life. Consequently, Bosse began to wonder whether his new marketing idea was really as clever as it had seemed. 

Thus, the rather harmless inquiry by the British Prime Minister was the straw that broke the (triple-humped) camel’s back. Triplemas at Bullerby? Not such a great idea after all … 

Johnson’s longing for Bullerby, by the way, had been triggered by the fact that tousle-headed blond brats were very popular in that place; the more dishevelled, the better. Boris loved this brilliant concept. He also toyed with the idea of founding a Bullerby Bullingdon Club, as he thought infantile anarchy would go down well with the good people of Bullerby in his version of it. 

In addition, Johnson assumed that he most certainly had some Swedish ancestors. After all, hadn't some Johansons been the previous owners of the South Farm? Rather sooner than later there was going to be a Bullerbyxit referendum: leave Sweden, leave the EU! 

In any case, there were enough reasons for Johnson to pick up the phone and to have a jovial word or two with the village headman of Bullerby. Johnson politely asked if it would be possible for him, his wife and their two children to spend Christmas in Bullerby. He even promised to abide by any corona rules in force in Bullerby. There’d be no wine and cheese parties. Promise. 

But not even the Prime Minister’s promise sounded reassuring to Bosse, who was in charge in Bullerby after all. Bosse found courage in himself to put his foot down. He’d had enough of it. Triplemas at Bullerby? Bloody, brainless bollocks! 

First of all, all those reckless Germans who wanted to create their own versions of Bullerby. Then the dubious Chinese with their highly dubious plans. And now this bumble-brained British Boris whose hair looked just as unkempt and disorganised as his ideas. There was definitely something rotten in the state of Sweden (maybe in Denmark, too). 

No more strangers with even stranger ideas were to be admitted to Bullerby. 

And so, after the phone call with Boris Johnson, Bosse tore the old-fashioned telephone line out of its socket. No more contact with the outside world! Bosse just wanted a quiet and peaceful Christmas. He did not intend to welcome any visitors from the rest of the world. There had always been enough trouble at Christmas in Bullerby as it was. 

Before Bosse left his office that night, he made an important update on the homepage of the Bullerby website (https://international.bullerbue.se/). He posted the following text: 

Dear people from all around the world, 

we would like to thank you very much for your interest in Christmas at Bullerby. But the situation has got out of hand. The planned festival of Triplemas 2021, with which we wanted to bring together everyone peacefully, had to be cancelled. 

We understand your disappointment but it should not be forgotten that Bullerby is no longer what it used to be. Believe me! 

We advise everyone to stay at home. 

Make yourself comfortable wherever you are, stay safe, don't pick a fight! 

We wish you all the best from the bottom of our hearts, a blessed Christmas (or any other festive occasion you may choose to celebrate) and, of course, a Happy New Year 2022. Stay healthy and sane in body and spirit!!! 

Bosse, headman of the village of Bullerby 

No one would be hurt and the outcome of the cancellation of Triplemas at Bullerby would be most beneficial to one and to all, perhaps even to world peace.